Interview with Lord Voldemort

I knock on a door, which has a stone snake engraved on it, instead of a doorknob.
A cold voice says "Enter."
I bounce in.

Lord Voldemort (in disgust): What do you want?
Me (very cheerfully): Good evening sir! See I was looking through the papers, and as your name is scattered everywhere as you're so in vogue these days, I decided I wanted to become a Death Eater.
The Dark Lord narrows his eyes.
Lord Voldemort (silky voice): Is that so? What qualities do you possess, Muggle?
Me: Well um...if you give me a wand, you'll see. But otherwise..um
(TUT OF DISGUST)
Me (ploughing on): Well...I can write stories. Hey I can write novels about you you your Death Eaters and publish them in the Muggle World! They'll sell more than Agatha Christies. Don't you just see yourself in a book "Voldie's big comeback."
(Voldemort isn't too happy.)
Voldemort: That would remind me that my comeback failed. Fool. What else can you do?
Me: I have a pepper spray and I attended a self-defence class.
(Voldemort actually groans)
Me: That won't work against the unforgivable curses, I forgot.
Vodemort (raises his eyes to the heavens) : IT WONT WORK AGAINST ANY SPELL, NITWIT!
Me (highly affronted) : Dude, you're meaner in person. But I have a proposition for you.
Voldemort (wearily): Really, what may that be?
Me: See, I don't want to kill anyone. Can I just sit and be the local photographer? And I'm a big fan of yours, by the way. Really big fan. I've read all about you, and I've always been the first to know about the murders you've committed. *blush* I can take notes for your meetings.
Voldemort: This is a very...um high profile job. You need to do what I say, which means...killing. So if you don't want to kill, you won't be accepted as a Death Eater. You may have to leave or die.
Me: Now that's just blatant dictatorship and corruption!
Voldemort (exasperated) : Now thats how it works here!
Me (heartbreaking sob) : You've dashed all my hopes and dreams.
Voldemort (rather tired) : Very well. You can be my cook. Wormtail died, I need a new one.
Me: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! (Voldemort closes his ears and almost starts crying)
Me: I can make chicken biryani.
(Voldemort disapparates)
I'm still unemployed.